Process

I went to the SFMOMA yesterday. It was nice to think about the notions of process, of self perception, and portrayal. The Kiki Smith exhibit was long gone, and I was way sad. I heard so much about her pieces, particularly one sculpture involving a poo tail. It was still cool to see the Chuck Close portraits in person, having seen so many photos of them before.

It made me want to do art, but the dishes called when I got home, and I was just 100% exhausted from the last few days, ribs still sore from oblique toning exercises, and general doing too much. Sometimes I wonder why I go through the pain of core strengthening in yoga. I only go once a week anyway, so I'm never really going to build up any real muscle in that region, just pain. ha ha.

i realized much of my frenzy lately is just a vain attempt to replace s. At the same time, I don't want to let him have broken me. It wasn't even anything real, but I haven't felt chemistry like that in close to a year and a half. I resent thinking I will have to wait that long to meet someone, anyone, and worse, not having sex for that long again.

This might be to my benefit to date right now. When my heart is open, I get myself into trouble. So my being on the defensive might be able to get my overly sensitive self through the initial temptation of talking about my feelings. Or it might make me incredibly dull.

Hopeless in many senses.

Meet your 45 yr. old single friend.