Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My dream from this morning.

In the dream, I am trying to sleep in my twin bed with my co-workers and Sam. Sam and I lay next to each other. We chatted pillow talk and giggled next to each other's heat. It is a soft warm girly feeling that I am having in the dream.

Later, Sam and I are watching television, clutching thighs and laughing. He turns his head to me and puts his hand over his mouth. He whispers, "I love you"

I am taken aback and surprised to hear such words come out of his mouth. Sam wouldn't ever say such a thing to me. I safely reply "I care about you very much and if you ever need me, I'm there for you." It was a happy feeling.

Flash forward in the dream. I discover that in my sleep I have I sent an email titled "Hot Chocolate" to him. There is an Olsen Twin on the television (You think I would know at this point that it is a dream). I am horrified with the content of the email. I think the email recounted my dream and was sent to the real life Sam. At this point, I am lucidly dreaming, afraid that the real world has discoverd my fantasies.

I remember this dream feeling particularly like one I had in high school about a boy named Nicholas Holsopple. Utter fufillment followed by tragedy, a faster and more sublime version than that in real life.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


The meaning of handsome. What constitutes rugged male beauty? not from a romance novel perspective, but from a loving female perspective. What makes the mystique of attraction for me?

Merriam Webster says this:

One entry found for handsome.
Main Entry: hand·some
Pronunciation: 'han(t)-s&m
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): hand·som·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English handsom easy to manipulate
1 chiefly dialect : APPROPRIATE, SUITABLE
2 : moderately large : SIZABLE
3 : marked by skill or cleverness : ADROIT
4 : marked by graciousness or generosity : LIBERAL
5 : having a pleasing and usually impressive or dignified appearance
synonym see BEAUTIFUL
- hand·some·ly adverb
- hand·some·ness noun

so that would be sizable, clever, gracious, and both pleasing, and dignified in appearance.

i love the word handsome. i much prefer it to beautiful. it's so much more of a solid word.

active examples for me are

romain duris
gael garcia bernal

for me handsome is a smoky quality. i am driven to extremes by dark hair and radiant skin.

here are visual examples.

The lovely Romain Duris, the rugged Peter Krause, the big eyes and imposing jaws of Gael Garcia Bernal.

But beyond imposing bone structures and large eyeballs, something else makes a man rugged, makes a man attractive.

Obviously, this is attitude. It is not utterly composed of confidence. Aloof is too cold of a word.

It's a distinctive attitude that makes the difference. I fall for distinctive personalities.

This would be why someone like Jonathan Richman or David Byrne rises to the same ranks as the above mentioned pretty boys.

Attitude makes imperfect features into platonic features. All of a sudden Owen Wilson's crooked nose is perfect.

Flawed and therefore perfect. We don't want the objects of our attraction to be too perfect. Being too perfect would be an even greater flaw than any literal flaws. We want the objects of our attraction to be ideal, but always human.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Writing About Love

It's much easier to write about love in hindsight. We are unsafe in speaking about the present and the future. Decisions can be made about the past to little effect.

I often question the ethics of what I consider writing publicly. I've written things, reconsidered, and then destroyed/deleted the entry. Would the person this is about be hurt if they read it? Would they ever find it? How will it affect me if I were to discuss this material with the persons involved?

One encounters the same problems in writing auto-biographically about anyone close to them whether it be family, friends, co-workers, or lovers. When one gives writing to an audience one expects an effect, even if it is only a subtle reaction on the part of the author.

I want to write honestly and openly, but matters of harm often prevent me from being truly honest. When I say harm, I include the possible harm I may do to myself in publicizing my opinions, the decisions I may make in the text that I might regret later.
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